The first time he looked at her...

[swiftsnowmane]

~



"The first time he looked at her he felt: everything will burn." - Anais Nin, A Spy In the House of Love

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We all know it. The way he looks at her, that intense gaze. From early on there are glimpses of it: in the way he watches her singing for the group; in the way he hovers at the doorway of her cell, observing her, for a moment, in secret. And of course, all the subsequent glances he casts her way during their time on the run. Looks that could chill. Looks that could burn. But what is behind those looks? We all know the famous line from 'Still', when Beth tells him: "I know you look at me and you just see another dead girl." At that stage, she has a point: Daryl is unable to focus on anything other than all his various (perceived) failings. All the 'dead girls' he could not save, and his crippling fear that she will be next. Obviously, we know that during the course of 'Still', Daryl comes to see Beth in a much different light. At the end of 'Still' and during 'Alone', his longing gazes, his demeanor, and his tender, thoughtful attentions to her demonstrate his high regard for her. But what about before? What about the time before the fall of the prison, before they had (seemingly) lost everything? And what about before that? Did Daryl really always look at Beth and just see 'another dead girl'?

Seeing as their first interactions were during the time when Sophia went missing and then when she was truly lost for good, it might seem that maybe that is indeed the case. But I would posit that due to the very nature of these characters, that Daryl Dixon could not have helped but see far more than just another easily-dismissed victim of their world in Beth Greene. My personal headcanon for Daryl's first glimpse of Beth back in Season 2 is admittedly highly influenced by this passage from the first chapter of Zagzagael (bleodswean)'s Will You Miss Me When I Burn and Will You Eye Me With a Longing:

~ "A few hours later, all of them standing around the cairn....he had looked across the wheelbarrow full of field rock, and he thought that perhaps the end of all things had finally arrived. The ground shifted forward beneath his feet. She was standing there, just several simple strides away from him and his entire body flushed hot wet with a thin sheen of sweat, heart slamming against his ribcage, a sudden wild pain that had him turning slightly and pressing the heel of his hand into his breastbone. He glanced quickly around the circle of faces and no one else had seemed to feel the world shudder to a stop and re-start itself. It had only been him. Or so he thought for a long confusing moment. He looked back across the space that separated them and she was staring at him, in her soft way, all big blue eyes and sunlit hair, her head cocked the slightest bit as though taking his measure. And the confusion translated by her features looked more akin to mysterious than the bafflement that he was feeling. He realized, as their gazes locked for what could have only been seconds, that whatever body blow he had just taken, the impact had come from the fact that she was standing alive in the same world that he was occupying. As though the world itself had broken the hourglass of the sea and the shore and time was no more." ~

For me, this entire scene perfectly captures the emotions and sense that someone like Daryl Dixon would have felt the first moment he saw little Beth Greene standing there on the lawn in front of her farmhouse. But it is that penultimate line that truly encapsulates the meaning behind the moment, when he realizes that "the impact had come from the fact that she was standing alive in the same world that he was occupying." [emphasis mine]. For, at this point, Daryl was still largely on the fringes of the group, and was still trying to find his place amongst them. He might have been 'made for that world', but he didn't yet have a solid place in it. His search for Sophia was all wrapped up in not only his personal demons, but also his deep-seated desire to prove that he was indeed good for something other than just disposing of the undead. That he was good for the living. That maybe he could even save some of them. (Note that in Season 2, this is when Daryl's angel wings first become a focus. He is on his first step of his journey here to be an Angel of the Apocalypse.)

So, the sight of another innocent girl, so beautiful and vulnerable and (as-yet) untouched by the turning of the world....sure, this would have stirred some of that same protectiveness inside him that Sophia had. But I think he would have seen in her not just some helpless victim, nor some symbolic version of his own young, lost self, but as all that was good and pure about the world before....and maybe even a glimmer of all that could still 'be good', after.

For unlike Sophia, and unlike his own childhood situation, Beth's father is not abusive -- in fact, it becomes apparent that Hershel Greene has gone out of his way to make certain he does not go down that route. Hershel Greene is 'good people' and has ensured his daughter has grown up in a loving environment. Sheltered, perhaps, but loving. Despite the darkness enclosing in all them all, and despite the terrible truth that is about to spill out of that barn, Beth is, therefore, in that moment, all that Daryl had never known, all that he had believed was out of his reach prior the turn, and all that remained as yet out of his reach. And yet, all that he was at that very moment still trying to save and protect.

In his first sight of Beth Greene, I feel that Daryl Dixon would have felt some kind of deep confirmation that, yes, there are still good people around. Of course, Daryl also would have recently had his conversation with Andrea on his mind, and could not have helped but notice that Beth was similiar in age and demeanor to Andrea's younger sister Amy, whose death hit the group hard in Season 1, and whose loss was the main cause of Andrea wishing to 'opt out'. That doesn't mean he thought of her as 'just another dead girl', but moreso that she was probably someone who 'occupied the same world as him. One of those who, in his mind, was swiftly becoming his purpose, his reason for existing. Good people who needed him, and who he in his turn, needed. Good people who were becoming family. While was preoccupied with finding Sophia in those first days at the Greene farm, he surely could not have helped but notice Beth amidst it all. And once he did notice her, he would have truly *taken note of* her, for Daryl Dixon was shown as early as Season 2 to be a very observant man. That is why I feel that the first sight of Beth Greene's inner light would have hit him so hard, even then. And once Beth too had tried to 'opt out', but then changed her mind, and wanted to live, I think Daryl would have seen not just a frail girl, but a survivor. Or at least, he would have seen the potential for it in her. For, despite his words at the moonshine shack in 'Still', where he throws her attempted suicide in her face, I don't think that he had necessarily harboured resentment toward her for that all that time. He had spent the winter with her and her family, after all, and had seen how she had adapted (mentally, if not physically) to life after the turn. And following that, he had already spent at least several months with her at the prison. He'd seen her taking care of Lil' Asskicker, giving of herself, to others. Putting others before herself, always. Even him. (Her "are you ok?" to Daryl after Zach's death is an important example of that). Beth, too, is an Angel of the Apocalypse in her way, and even at Daryl's lowest point in 'Still', he damn well knows it. He merely digs down deep into his own pain at that moment and throws the most hurtful things he could think of out there. Before all that, I truly feel he would have already seen in her a determination and will to live---and an ability to light that fire in others--that he no doubt admired greatly. (Note how he went to her to ask her to take care of Carl when he was struggling immediately after Lori's death.) And yes, I also think he would have seen in her someone toward whom his heart was already turning. tl:dr: When Daryl looks at Beth in those earlier times, he sees not 'just another dead girl', but a good person. A good person, who wants to truly live -- and help others do the same. If he ever mocks her for that, it is because he's at such a low point that he simply cannot bear it. All of the above is, of course, just my personal headcanon, very highly influenced by the above-mentioned fic and what I've gleaned from watching those scenes in the show. I'd love to know everyone else's headcanons regarding Daryl's thoughts and possible feelings for Beth *before* the fall of the prison, and prior to the time they found themselves together on the run. So, my lovelies: What do you think might Daryl have thought when he looked at Beth during their earlier interactions? At the farm, during the first winter on the run, and then later on, at the prison? What about the very first moment he laid eyes on her (whenever that might have been, exactly)? Or the moment he saw she was still alive after the farm burned? What about when he saw her (and heard her) singing for everyone in the prison yard in s3? And when he first took Lil' Asskicker from her arms? What about when he left the group to be with Merle, what did he think when he was gone...or when he came back? What about that heart-stopping moment in 30 Days when he stands watching her on her bed from her cell doorway? What about all the various moments we never 'saw', off-screen? Be as specific or as general in your answer as you wish. If there are any fics or fic excerpts that apply, feel free to share (with appropriate links and credit of course).

[Originally posted HERE.]